The Howler
by Angelikah
Summary: In which James receives disgusted looks from Lily, a howler, and a brand-new (and very inappropriate) middle name. One-Shot. Rated M for James' awful potty mouth.


**A/N:** A quick L/J one-shot that isn't really very romantic, and is rated solely for language (sorry!). This might turn into a chaptered fic, but only if the bunny for the multi-chapter idea I currently have attacking me leaves me alone (which I'm not sure I want).

Enjoy!

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_The Howler_

"You're up early."

"What better way to catch you at the breakfast table then to be up bright and early, Evans?" James responded brightly, and then returning to shoveling eggs into his mouth.

She rolled her eyes in response and turned back to Hestia to continue what he thought must be an incredibly boring conversation if it didn't include him. He scooted down the table silently, with his plate of course, until he was right next to her and leaned on his hand looking at her, though he did shoot a quick wink at Hestia, who giggled. She turned to him intending to glare, but then scooted back about half a foot when she found them nose-to-nose.

He smirked at her and said sweetly as though she wasn't clearly repelled by him, "Hey Evans!"

Lily sighed deeply, resigned to the fact that he was going to keep this up. Sardonically, she replied, "Hello Potter. Lovely weather we're having today, isn't it?"

"Yes, perfect for flying! Say, Evans, want to ride my broomstick?" He asked, eyes bright with amusement.

She snorted, but quickly turned it into a cough, and rolled her eyes as dramatically as she could, a habit she hadn't developed until she had met James Potter. He interjected before she could speak, "Careful Evans, or you'll pull a retina!"

She scoffed at him, and turned back to her friend, "So, Hestia, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted-"

But before she could even finish her sentence, she quickly was interrupted by Sirius, who poked both her and James in the shoulders so he could sit in-between them, (Sirius was regularly a barrier between Lily's dull butter knife and James' exposed throat). "Mail arrived yet?" he asked, as he made a dive for the bacon as though it would be his last time eating the stuff, (and as James knew – it might be).

"Nope, but we'll suffer together," James said, clapping Sirius on the back, making him choke on his mouthful.

Remus and Peter arrived soon after with the usual grunts (Peter), greetings (Remus), and snatches for the tea jug. Then, the rustling of wings overhead signaling the mail arriving resulted in James and Sirius groaning in something like terror. Two owls approached with almost awe-inspiring speed, and each dropped a red envelope on the table. Sirius and James looked at each other.

"Well? Aren't you going to open them?" Lily said, looking at them with confusion.

"Evans, why would we open them? These are howlers, letters that parents make to shout at their kids. As soon as you touch them, they start on a magical timer until the howler opens magically by itself, and the recipient only can stop it from happening by not touching it, or by destroying it." James explained, still eyeing his howler with suspicion.

"Well then, destroy it," Lily replied, clearly not seeing what the big issue was.

"Evans," Sirius said, sounding pained, "that requires an explosion. We'd get in a lot of trouble, lots and lots of detentions."

"And this is a problem for you two, why?" Lily pointed out.

While James grumbled to himself, Lily catching something relating to his mum and washing dishes by hand with soap (Lily rolled her eyes, honestly, washing dishes, the horror!) she snuck a peak at the envelope.

_James M. Potter  
Gryffindor Table  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Scotland_

"Why is your letter addressed like that? It's not like there's another 'James M. Potter' at the Gryffindor table." Lily asked.

Remus looked at James and spoke for the first time that morning after he had said hello, (Remus was, after all, not a morning person), "James, you said your middle name was Harold, after your father. I hate to be the one to inform you, but 'Harold' does not start with 'M'."

For the first time he could ever remember, James glared at Lily Evans. She rolled her eyes, and smirked, "Well, it must be something really good if he lied about it."

James sighed, and put on his best poker face. He said coolly to Lily, "My middle name is 'Motherfucking'."

Everyone was stunned silent for a good ten seconds, but it was only because Sirius had stuffed his fist in his mouth immediately to keep himself from laughing and ruining the moment.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes.

James put his hand on the table, his pinkie touching the corner of the howler by accident, though he didn't notice, and no one else did either. He sighed, both to help himself keep up the straight face and to keep the act, and responded without even a hint of a smile, "'James Motherfucking Potter."

Lily just stared at him. Remus cast a quick, wordless silencing spell on Sirius and Peter, who both clearly needed it. His lips twitched and he took a sip of tea to hide it.

"The 'Mother' is silent," he supplied earnestly, "So, it's pronounced 'James _Fucking_ Potter'."

Remus choked on his tea.

"I see." Lily said.

"Yes, Evans." He scooted closer and took her hand, though she looked like she wanted to rip it out, "And see, when we have children, we're going to name our firstborn son 'James Motherfucking Potter the Second'. But, obviously that can only happen if you go out with me, so, what do you say?" James said, attempting to sound as thoughtful and romantic as one could possibly sound when talking about naming one's child after a swear word.

Sirius fell off the bench, howling silently.

James looked at Lily expectantly.

Lily opened her mouth to respond.

The howler exploded.

As the Marauders left the Great Hall a few minutes later, with Gryffindor twenty points lighter, James remarked, "The bloody howler ruined the mood, she honestly would have said yes that time!"

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**A/N:** I got the idea for this story from one of my previous boyfriends who decided spontaneously one day that we were going to name our first-born son exactly as James described (First name of father Mutherfucking Last name II). He insisted he was serious for about two weeks. I thought I was going to kill him. It just seemed like something James would do.

If you liked this story, review and let me know! If you didn't like it, review, and tell me why (so that I can get better)! If you want to see more of my work, check out my profile and read everything else!

Thanks for reading!

~Angie


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